"How Do I Get My XXX To Pray?"; 28 July 2020
بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ
In the name of Allah, the most Gracious, the most Merciful
Assalammualaikum Ladies,
Last week, I was on a call with some of my girlfriends when one of them suddenly blurted out, "guys, how do I get my husband to pray? I've tried everything, but now it just seems like I'm nagging when Allah knows I only have his best interest at heart!" Her loaded question opened up a whole new thread for our conversation and as everyone started sharing "tips" and "advises", I listened intently as this one question has not only troubled my girlfriend but unfortunately, so many other Sisters as well. Every other day, I'll receive emails and DMs asking me a variation of the same question of how does one get a loved one to come back to His path.
This topic is very dear to me. Because I am sure I was once the person whom my parents / friends would ask this question for.
"How do we get Aida to come back to Him?"
And I can tell you right away that none of my loved ones ever forced the religion on to me. Neither did they nagged. Nor did they give up. And I am incredibly grateful for that because doing Dawa' to your loved ones is the hardest.
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| Photo by ain murad on Unsplash |
But here are some things I've found helpful to remember whenever we are inviting our loved ones to the Deen.
1) Dawa' = Invitation
Dawa' ≠ Force / Nagging / Threaten
At the very core of it all, we have to understand that the act of Dawa' is one that invites people to Islam. This should already tell us that it's a deed that requires compassion, gentleness and kindness at the core of it. So if we are doing everything but that, then there's a danger that we might actually be making our loved ones go further away from Him. A good question to always ask: "if someone else were to come to me doing the same thing that I'm doing to (insert loved one here), would I be more drawn to Islam or would it drive me away instead?"
2) Be the best (insert your role here) you can be to your loved one first
The best form of Dawa' is through our character, so strive to be the best wife / sister / mother / friend to your loved one first. When our mannerisms, speech and personality are brimming with love and good-naturedness, (as we should be, as we are the Ummah of Rasulullah SAW ❤️), only then will our loved one feel "safe" and comfortable around ua. When I say "safe", I mean he / she is safe from judgement from you. A lot of us are guilty of being highly judgemental to our loved ones, and this is not a good place to be when you are trying to share the beauty of the Deen. Islam has no room for a "holier-than-thou attitude" because we are all sinners - we just sin differently.
3) Do not set a "deadline"
This is one of the biggest mistakes that we make when we are trying to call our loved ones back to His path. When we set a "deadline", i.e. place a time limit as to when he / she should start practising this faith, we are forgetting that everything in this Universe follows Allah's time, not ours. What's worse is that when we get closer to approaching the "deadline" that we arrogantly set, still not seeing any significant difference in our loved one, we start pressuring him / her, or worse, we completely give up altogether. Also, remember this: Rasulullah SAW, who is the best man ever lived, the most kind, the most gentle, the most fitting and equipped to do Dawa, took 23 years to finish his mission. Who are we to think that we can even come close to doing what he SAW did in a span of a month?
4) To Note: Time / Place / Tone / Vibe
Being aware of these 4 things - timing, location, tone, and "vibe" / "energy" of a situation - is extremely crucial when you are planning to share more about the Deen. I'm a huge believer that there is a time and place for everything and this is especially true when it comes to Dawa'. Do not bring it up when your loved one is hungry (hangry is a thing, guys), exhausted, stressed, upset, worried. Do not bring it up when you are in public or in a social gathering. Watch the tone always - are you being preachy? Insensitive? Pushy? As a wife / mother / sister / friend, we should be able to know when will be the best time to gently have a discussion about this.
3 extra tips:
A: recite the Dua that Prophet Musa AS said before he spoke to Firaun before speaking to your loved one!
B: Figure out which aspect of the Deen will "attract" your loved one more. Some of us are drawn more towards Stories of the Prophets and Companions, others lean towards logic and science - everyone is different. Whatever it is, Islam is a faith that is whole and perfect, so there are bound to be something that your loved one will be interested in. Start there!
C: Keep on seeking Knowledge. We won't be able to share the beauty of the Deen if we don't even know it ourselves! Read up, learn more, go to Classes, find knowledgeable teachers! When you equip yourself with more knowledge, you will then be more prepared to answer questions your loved ones might have about the faith too.
5) Be OK with not being their "Bridge"
Often times, doing dawa' to your loved ones is not only a test of our patience. But it is also a test of our sincerity. I've learned that, sometimes, Allah has not willed that you be the catalyst, or the bridge that helps your loved ones return to His path, AND THAT IS OK. For example, you may have been trying to share with your sister about the Deen for years but your efforts have been futile. And then one day, a friend of hers simply shared the very same thing you've been trying to share for years, but her sharing had a more positive effect on your Sister than yours - that only means that friend of hers is the one chosen by Allah to be your Sister's bridge, and that is amazing! We have to put aside our ego when it comes to Da'wa with our loved ones which is why I always make the Dua, "Ya Allah, please use me to be the person who can help bring XYZ closer to You, but if that is not what You have willed, then please send XYZ other beautiful companions to take on that role. And You know best, Ya Rabb."
6) Dua for them. In Secret. In the still of the night.
Which brings me to this all-important point: make a looooooooooooooooooooot of Dua for your loved one. I cannot stress this enough. Rasulullah SAW would stay up all night praying for us, for his Ummah, because he was worried for us and the state of our hearts and our faith. So follow his Sunnah, SAW. If you are concerned for a loved one, make Dua for them, constantly, secretly. And especially in the third of the night, in Tahajjud, as Imam Shafi'i said, "a dua made at Tahajjud is like an arrow that never misses its target."
7) Ally yourself with Allah
I saved the most important point for last. We have to understand that the hearts of your loved ones belong solely to Allah SWT, therefore He is the only One who can completely soften and change the state of their hearts. I know of someone who would wake up every night to pray for her beloved husband for 7 years and counting. When her father in law found out that his son wasn't praying, he asked her, "why didn't you tell us?". Hearing this, she just smiled and answered, "I tell Allah. Everyday."
For her, Allah SWT is her al-Wali, her Ally, her protecting Friend. Which is why she has been able to find the strength to continue praying for her husband all these years.
One of my teachers taught me that when you "empower" yourself with just yourself, you "empower" yourself with nothing. Because we are flawed and weak ourselves. But when we empower ourselves with Allah SWT, then we empower ourselves with the Greatest! As Allah is al-Malik (the Supreme King), and al-Aziz (the All Mighty).
So lean on to Him when the going gets tough. Fill your own hearts with the remembrance of Him so that you can pour love and light to your loved ones. Because without Him, you are just running on empty.
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Ladies, the truth is, even Allah's beloved Prophets (may Allah bless them all) struggle with their families and their loved ones when it comes to inviting them to the Deen. Prophet Ibrahim AS struggled with his father, Prophet Nuh AS with his son, and Rasulullah SAW too with his Uncle. But they didn't give up, and tried their hardest till the end.
And so should we.
Because if the roles were reversed, wouldn't you want your loved ones to try and pray for you till the end as well? :)
Love and prayers always,
A
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